THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK IS THE WORST SAGA FILM AND OTHER HOT TAKES

If listening to sports radio or watching ESPN has taught me anything, it’s that I have to have a “hot take” to get attention. Let’s face it, the name of the game on the internet is attention, and I want Unmistakably Star Wars to be the Kim Kardashian butt of the Star Wars blogosphere. I want eyeballs on our posts.

For those of you unfamiliar with the hot take, let me explain. Any moron can make statement that is rational and believed by a majority of the audience. An example is, “The Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars saga film.” However, people in harmony and agreement are boring. Note the recent United States of America presidential election. Very entertaining except for the fact that one of the candidates was actually elected president.

So to be entertaining, one must say something with which few people will agree. An example is, “The Empire Strikes Back is the worst Star Wars saga film.” Now that type of statement will get me all kinds of comments. People will call me an idiot. They will tell me I am the worst human being alive. If I am really lucky, people will demand I be fired and banned from Unmistakably Star Wars. They will threaten to stop visiting the site and then check back everyday to see if I have been given the boot.

I will be able to act indignant about someone escalating a fun debate among a fan group to taking away my livelihood. How would I be able to support my family? Reasonable people will become confused. They will want to defend me even though they know I am an idiot. It becomes a version of scary clown sightings in the woods at night. Everybody will be talking about it even though nothing is really going on.

Because I want to retain some semblance of respect and authenticity, I must disguise my opinion in limiting factors which give it the illusion of reasonableness. With all that in mind, here is my hot take:

The Empire Strikes Back is the worst Star Wars saga film.*

* Includes all Star Wars saga films which do not include a Roman numeral I in its episode number.

So everyone must agree with my hot take when they look at it from a certain point of view.

But why stop there? Here are other definitive statements that will have #UnmistakablyStarWars and #StarWarsHotTakes as the top trending topics at the end of 2016.

Best Star Wars Movie Which is not Actually a Star Wars Movie:

Pride and Prejudice. (The Keira Knightley version) My wife would see Keira Knightley and constantly say, “Isn’t she the one from Star wars?” I would tell her, “No, that’s Natalie Portman.” She would say they look alike, and I would respond there is a slight resemblance. We had this conversation every time we watched the movie, and I would exasperatedly explain Keira Knightley was not in Star Wars. It was very tiresome being right all the time.

Then I learned later that Keira Knightley actually played a Queen Amadalla decoy. Please don’t tell my wife she was right and I was wrong. She might get cocky if she knew this happened once in her life.

Also, if you saw how much Ms. Knightley conveyed in two seconds of facial expressions when Elizabeth saw Pemberley after rejecting Mr. Darcy’s proposal, you would agree she is an American treasure. (Breaking news. Here is a note from fans in the U.K. “Keira Knightley is not American treasure. She is British. And don’t get us started on Star Wars being the American epic. The writer of this article is an idiot and should be fired.”)

Fantastic! I have my first piece of hate mail. I am well on my way to be the most disliked Star Wars fan on the internet. What could be better?

On to my next hot take.

Best color for a C3-PO appendage:

3. Red

2. Gold

  1. Silver (Who knew?)

Most misunderstood line in all the Star Wars movies:

“You rebel scum.”

The line actually is, “You rebels, come.” They were being invited to a party. Had the invitation been accepted, the whole battle around the second Death Star could have been avoided. Rumor was that the Emperor was actually going on sabbatical to search for the Tox Uthat. He liked to search for powerful relics to add to the war effort of his empire. The Tox Uthat became even more important to him after losing the Ark of the Covenant to the Americans.

indiana-jones-ark

(Breaking news. Here is a note from a famous Star Wars fan: “The Tox Uthat is a relic in the Star Trek universe. You cannot put Star Trek and Star Wars together. Also, this nerf herder is confusing Indiana Jones movies with Star Wars. If the Emperor was going after powerful artifacts, it should be a relic from Milo Rambaldi. Please fire this guy. I will ask the internet police to ban him from all Star Wars websites. Signed, J.J. Abrams.”)

Now I am in a Twitter war with a Hollywood heavyweight. Hopefully he will pull me up to his level, as opposed to me pulling him down to mine.

Best Spelling for a Certain Astromech Droid:

3. R2-D2

2. Artoo-Detoo

  1. Artoo-Daytoa (Huttese? No one understands Huttese anymore.)

Best Allusion to Star Wars in Popular Culture:

The best popular culture reference to Star Wars is not the one in the movie Clerks. That one scene put Kevin Smith on the map, but no one really references it anymore.

The best reference was in season six, episode five of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, entitled “Life Serial.” That season’s big bad was a group of three nerds known as the Trio. The Trio was made up of Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew.

Warren and Jonathan are sitting inside a van, which is dimly lit. They are discussing all the equipment in the van which will help them surveil Buffy in order to learn her weaknesses. Before exiting the van, Warren comments how the van allows them to use stealth while tracking Buffy. The two exit to find Andrew putting the finishing touches on an air brushed battle scene featuring the Death Star.

buffy-star-wars-van

Warren is livid, apparently because Andrew’s artwork causes the van to no longer be incognito. Jonathan also is angry, but he verbalizes his reason, saying the exhaust port is on the wrong side of the Death Star. Andrew replies saying he was using the ROTJ design because the ANH design was obviously flawed.

Warren loses his cool, yelling that the design on the van does not allow them to stay unnoticed when tracking Buffy. The scene ends with the horn of the van being pressed and playing the Star Wars theme.

On a related matter, I believe the next writer/director of a Star Wars movie should be Buffy creator, Joe Sweden. He did a great Job with Buffy, Angel, and Firefly, not to mention The Avengers, which already puts him in the Disney family. (Breaking news. Here is note from a famous producer: “My name is Joss Whedon, not Joe Sweden. Signed, Joss Whedon.”) (Rebuttal from Carl: “No, I was talking about a man.”) (Rebuttal from Joss: “I am a man. Please fire this bantha poodoo and banish him to Canada.”)

I can’t believe I already am making headlines with J.J. Abrams, Joss Whedon, and the entirety of the U.K. I wonder how many Twitter followers I now have?

Worst Missed Opportunity in Star Wars:

The rebels missed a great opportunity for peace when they didn’t go to the party to which the Imperial officer invited them. If peace had come before the second Death Star was destroyed, many innocent contractors could have been spared.

Best Chewbacca Growls/Moans:

3. The one after they closed the doors at night on Hoth.

2. The one as they froze Han in Carbonite.

  1. The Tarzan one as he swung onto a Chicken Walker. (Breaking news. We have another note from someone who is kind of a big deal in Hollywood: “The Tarzan yell is one of the cheesiest Chewbacca growls in all the movies. It is pandering to the audience, and does not carry the emotional weight of the other two listed. On a side note, the scene in Clerks is the best pop culture reference to Star Wars. Signed, Kevin Smith.”)

Wow! I’ve made some pretty important people mad today. I’d better slow down before George Lucas or Kathleen Kennedy makes a phone call and crushes me.

Me juuz ku, wermo!