ALL THE PLOT POINTS OF THE HAN SOLO MOVIE, IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF WRITING IT

I’ll admit it. I am clearly an unsophisticated Star Wars fan. I have been excited about the Han Solo movie ever since it was just a rumor. I am not as learned and deep as Jeremy, Devin, Beks, Barb and all the other podcast panel members. I remember their disappointment when stand alones were announced, and there was no Obi-Wan movie to be seen (literally). I remember them questioning whether we really needed to explore Han when there was so much left undone in the Obi-Wan story.

I thought about it, and after much meditation on the podcasts from the Unmistakably Star Wars crew, I had a vision that could have only come from the Force. Yoda told me I had to confront the the USW staff in the Dark Side Cave. I picked up my microphone. He told me to put it down because I would not need it. “As deep and professional as Jeremy’s and Devin’s, your voice is not,” Yoda said. “You will only find what you bring in.”

I went into the cave and found the entire USW staff. All of them, well informed,intelligent, and passionate Star Wars fans. I thought of Yoda’s words and said, “That wrinkled, little Muppet lied to me,” because I had not brought such a worthy Star Wars fan with me.

“Why is an Obi-Wan stand alone movie more necessary than the Han Solo movie?” I implored sheepishly.

“Obi-Wan has not been explored thoroughly,” Devin replied confidently.

Jeremy backed him up. “In the cinematic universe, Obi-Wan was not included in The Force Awakens or Rogue One.”

Beks continued the thought in an exasperated tone. “That means he was only in A New Hope, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith. Then he appeared just as a Force ghost in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.”

“Plus, he had to share the spotlight with Anakin during the entire run of The Clone Wars!” Barb added excitedly.

“That seems like a lot,” I half mumbled

“Silence, infidel!” the chorus shouted.

“I’m just saying,” I cautiously continued, “Alastair Stephens at StoryWonk said the Prequels were Obi-Wan’s story. He is the protagonist of Episodes I, II, and III. Can’t we sneak one teeny tiny Han Solo movie into the canon?”

Jeremy gritted his teeth as he tried to respond calmly. “We got all the questions about Han answered in The Padawan Menace when Yoda went on an adventure with Ian. I think that tied up the whole Han story with a nice little bow.”

“Who’s the bigger fool?” Obi-Wan asks Han. “The fool who stars in the first six movies and is a main character in six seasons of an animated series or the fool who get’s impaled by his emo son?”

I had no counterargument. I knew I had been beaten, so I whipped out my lightsaber and decapitated the whole lot. Their faces melted away, and all that was left was the outline of a mouse’s head with dollar bills oozing out of the ears.

As I exited the cave, I realized Yoda had not lied to me. It was like Kung Fu Panda. I was the special ingredient. “I saw worthy Star Wars fans in the cave because I brought a worthy Star Wars fan. Me. Was that what I was supposed to learn, Master?”

“Crazy, you are. Unable to carry, are you, their Stormtrooper armor pelvic pieces. Outsmart their facsimiles in the cave, even, you could not.”

“Facsimiles?”

I snapped out of my trance.

I now understand why there is no need for a Han Solo movie. The Story Group is wasting time when we could be dedicating more stories to Obi-Wan. Is there anything else in the Star Wars galaxy more important?

However, we have to fill time with something while we use Obi-Wan in Rebels. A movie involving him could give away major plot points. At least Rebels isn’t wasting space on Han. What use would a smuggler be in that show?

“That’s no moon,” Han thinks. “You want to see a moon, I’ll show you a moon.”

For those of you junkies who will gnaw on any Star Wars bones that Disney throws our way, I guess the following plot points from the Han Solo movie will keep you distracted. At least until the only character worth a hill of spice gets more screen time.

 

  • On his tenth birthday, we find a young Han alone at home. His parents refuse to throw him a birthday party as punishment for his failing grade in physics. On his last test, he confused the measurement of time with the measurement of distance.
  • While feeling sorry for himself about not having a party, he hears a noise in the shed outside. He investigates. As he goes into the shed, a loud roar makes him turn and run. He then gets an idea. He places Reese’s Pieces on the ground, forming a trail from the shed. A wookie with a thorn in his paw slowly follows the candy, eating each piece he passes. Han removes the thorn, creating a life debt owed by Chewbacca.
  • Years later, Han is in a casino. He is looking for his true love, Bria Tharen. He finds her in a dark corner, making out with Lando Calrissian. “What have we here?” Han asks. “Oh, thank you, Mr. Calrissian,” Bria says nervously. “I didn’t think I would ever get that popcorn husk out from between my teeth. Han be a dear and get me something to drink.” Han starts to leave with a confused and doubting look on his face. He turns momentarily to say I love you. “I know,” Bria responds uncaringly.
  • Han angrily challenges Lando to a game of Sabbac because of the canoodling in the corner. Lando agrees but doesn’t realize Han has arranged for the dealing droid to help him cheat, or else Chewbacca will pulls his arms out of their sockets. Han wins the Millennium Falcon in the last hand. Later, Lando realizes Han has conned him, so he and Lobot run to the docking bay to stop Han from leaving with the Falcon. A firefight ensues. Lando yells, “You cheated, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler!” Han responds from the boarding ramp, “You steal my lady, I steal yours,” as Chewie flies away, and the ramp is retracted.
  • After being reactive to Lando’s actions instead of proactive, Han swears he will never be caught off guard again. “Whenever I meet a rival in the future,” he promises, “I will make the first move. I’m not going to wait to see what the other person does. I’m a shoot first and ask questions later kind of guy now. Figuratively speaking, of course.”
  • In preparing for his new, aggressive personality, Han has a training montage. In one scene, he is practicing firing a blaster while blindfolded. His instructor tells him, “You should never fire a blaster when you can’t see what you’re aiming at.” “You never know, it might be useful skill to have one day,” is Han’s answer.
  • Han is smuggling something off of Alderon. He infiltrates a highly guarded government building with fake credentials. He comes across Bale Organa and a fourteen year old girl. Bale engages him in polite small talk as he passes Han unsuspectingly. The girl however watches Han intently, suspicious that he is up to no good. She lingers behind and questions him. She comments he doesn’t seem to fit in here. She says he smells more like a nerf herder than a government official. She threatens to go get her father, who is by now out of sight. Han locks her in closet. It was a boring conversation anyway. Han leaves the room swearing to never have kids.
  • We know Han had a business relationship with Jabba the Hutt. It is implied Jabba employed Boba Fett on a regular basis. So, in the movie, Jabba needs Han to transport Boba Fett and a bounty he has captured. (Slave I has been recalled to have defective airbags replaced. One must have properly working airbags when in an accident in hyperspace.) They run into trouble and are pursued by Imperial Star Destroyers. Han attaches the Falcon to the hull of one of the ships. The Star Destroyers dump their garbage before jumping into hyperspace. Han floats away with (the rest of) the trash. Boba remembers this trick. It may come in handy in the future.

 

Around all this is some story that pulls it all together. It’s really not important right now.That’s all the information I got before my mole inside Lucasfilm was discovered and summarily executed. They don’t play around with leaks over there.
On a side note, we have a job opening here at Unmistakably Star Wars. Email us with your resume.